When Stress Makes Us Rigid: Why We Sometimes Become Less Flexible

Have you ever noticed that someone who is usually reasonable suddenly becomes rigid? Or someone who is generally open-minded becomes fixated on doing something their way?

Stress can interfere with the ability to think flexibly, consider different perspectives, and adjust behaviors. In other words, the more overwhelmed we become, the harder it is to be flexible.

Conversely, when life feels manageable, there is more mental space to think. We listen to another perspective, reconsider a decision, and work toward a solution that considers everyone's needs. In other words, much greater flexibility.

As stress increases, mental space becomes harder to access.

A lot of stress interferes with cognitive flexibility, working memory, and other mental abilities that processes information and affects behavior. Although the effects vary from person to person, this idea points out how stress and rigidity are tied together.

Instead of stepping back to consider options, there becomes a focused on defending our position. Rather than focusing on what someone else is thinking, we become determined to make them see things our way.

Between a couple, it begins as a disagreement about a situation, becomes a struggle to feel understood, secure, or in control.

Why Does This Happen?

Stress brings uncertainty, and uncertainty is uncomfortable. When we feel unsure about what will happen next, we naturally look for ways to make life feel more predictable.

We establish more rules, develop stronger expectations, make detailed plans, or become increasingly attached to the way we believe things should unfold. During stress, feeling secure depends on having other people understand our reasoning and behave in ways that align with our expectations.

There is nothing wrong with wanting structure or having clear expectations. These are valuable parts of healthy relationships. Problems arise when our need for predictability becomes stronger than our ability to consider the other person's thoughts, feelings, or approach to life.

Consider a couple in which one person feels anxious and responds by becoming more controlling. The other begins to feel restricted and pushes back. That resistance creates more tension, which increases the first person's anxiety and strengthens the desire for control.

Without recognizing what is happening, both people become increasingly rigid, each responding to the other's behavior in ways that reinforce the original problem.

What Can Change the Pattern?

Flexibility requires enough mental space to consider another possibility, enough emotional steadiness to tolerate uncertainty, and enough security to recognize that a difference of opinion does not necessarily threaten a relationship.

When stress rises, these abilities can become harder to access. The good news is that recognizing the pattern gives us an opportunity to respond differently.

• Slowing down before responding. 

• Asking questions instead of making assumptions. 

• Recognizing a break is needed. 

The Takeaway

When someone becomes rigid, be considered of their stress, fear, or past experiences that are ruining things. Then, when you become rigid, consider your stress, fear, or past experiences that are holding you back.

Sometimes what looks like stubbornness is actually an attempt to regain a sense of security when life feels overwhelming.